Right, now the dust has settled somewhat after constantly landing, I feel a bit more like I’m arriving ‘home’ here. The sun is shining (I think that’ll be temporary) and I’m sat here in front of my laptop (I think that’ll be be for longer when the rain becomes less temporary) waiting for a delivery, so what better time to catch up on the last few days?
I might even have a few of those travel tips, now! Which would most likely be common sense for anyone else, but I’m clearly short on that, and I’m sure someone as gullible and overly open like myself (and I am mostly writing for myself) would appreciate. And it’s a nice change to be gullible and overly open, instead of cynical and closed off like I have been for a while.
God, I love Thai people. I really like Thailand, even when it’s pouring down heavily, with rain so hard I feel like it’s trying to knock me out. I really, really like Thailand when the sun’s out, and the streets invite me to get lost a bit (when I’m not lost in my head trying to get shopping done). And I’m pretty sure I love Thailand when it’s dry and warm like last night, and the air feels heavy with excitement, the lights bring every bit of the city to life, and there’s an atmosphere of nostalgia, freedom and potential.
I know I love Thailand because of the people.
I’ve met a few people here or moved to Thailand permanently, and I see quite a few well-aged white men going about their business. I’ve also wanted to move here since I left 10 years ago, but I can’t help but think how weird it would be… how weird it IS, being a foreign entity. I can’t help but feel like although I’m not sticking out, I’m not part of the culture, I’m not one with the people, and my place would be a very small pocket where the occasional farang might be.
It’s making me appreciate London a bit more, with how diverse it is, and how I have some sort of kinship with everyone there on the street… as miserable and closed off from one another we might seem. Connection is HARD in London. But there’s a natural familiarity, safety and sort of one-ness with each other that I’m only realising now I’m in a place where I don’t quite feel that, because I don’t know the language, the country, I’m a fish out of water.
And yet…
I somehow DO feel happier here. I do feel connected to a lot of the people, a care for them, a closeness and something FELT between us. That feels very different to what I’m speaking about in London. That feels more like a sort of understanding, an agreement, something accepted as we toil above ground and then huddle together below during rush hour. As we march back and forth on autopilot, avoiding eye contact, speaking the same language but mostly not sharing words with one another.
As safe as it is, I feel very shut off, isolated and, well, I guess now it’s really evident and the gloves are off, I feel really lonely and unhappy in London. I feel NERVOUS being in that state, let alone that place. I walk into shops and feel like I need to act a certain way so I don’t look weird, or like I’m shoplifting (which makes me look really suspicious when I actually do want to shoplift). I feel the stares of people judgemental, blank, or what can sometimes feel worse, like nobody is seeing anyone at all. Or just me, maybe I’m needier than I’d like to believe.
But I love Thai people.
I walk down the street and can’t help but smile at most people. I’m not expecting anything back, but it’s a wondrous thing to feel that warmth back, or to see the light of a grin in the eyes of someone wearing a mask. I love how accommodating everyone has been for my (and I’m sure countless others) not being able to speak Thai. I’m constantly impressed by how everyone speaks such good English to compensate for my lack of preparation or trying to learn their language.
I love how humble and polite the people are, always bowing and saying thank you if you get the fuck out of their way or open doors… or how they bow bow and say sorry when you accidentally get the fuck in their way or vice versa. It’s such a breath of fresh air to being in London, where people (including me) can have a tendency to be impatient, entitled, always in a rush and endlessly expectant of having it our way.
And I love how I’m not being that kind of person here.
I don’t know if I’m acting differently and people are reacting to that, or if how different the place and people are is causing me to react differently, or if it’s a bit of both. But yeah, just walking down the street, smiling at people, waving at people, stopping to talk to people and staff and just having a willingness to get along, get on and get to know people has been a bit of a revelation.
I don’t know if that’s acceptable in London, because I either gave up trying or it wasn’t a thing anyone does, unless you want to come across as weird or like you want to have sex with or kill someone. If anyone was to smile and wave at me whilst I was brooding on the bus about how much I dislike people and my life, I’d most certainly be offended and be upset the entire day about that weird person who definitely wanted to have sex with me or kill me. Maybe just kill me, because my self-esteem isn’t high enough to think anyone would want to do the former.
Not everyone is as friendly here as I’m making them out to be. Plenty of people don’t look happy and are definitely not obliged to return my friendliness, and probably think I’m a weird foreigner who has flown over from India to have sex with them or kill them. I’m noticing that a lot more in the busy parts I’ve been through, with the western-style shops and more foreigners and places targeted at tourists. Where the Thai people are walking around in designer clothes, eating out at (what I think) are quite expensive places. I’m in On-Nut and nearby is McDonalds, KFC, Boots, Burger King, Pizza Hut, etc, etc.
And that’s making me miss the more out of the way Airbnbs and locales I stayed in when I last visited. But I really appreciate that despite all that, my goodwill doesn’t seem to be coming with many conditions out here. I’m not smiling, waving or being nice so I can see some kindness back in the mirrors of peoples eyes or fill up an empty glass with the rare nectar or someone else’s approval. I’m not seeing people as mirrors to reflect back what I can’t give to myself or others out here.
It’s just happening.
I’m talking to the taxi driver because I genuinely want to speak to them (and not make small talk). I’m stopping by the massage place to just talk to the woman outside and ask her where she learned English. I can feel the tightening around my neck associated with survival and hoarding my money for an emergency, and I’m giving a tip to people regardless. I’m coming to a halt and excitedly pointing at the rooster sitting on the handlebars of a man’s bike, who gives me a big toothy smile at how amazed I am, and us both bowing out as we walk away.
I’m at the 7-Eleven checkout where the bored girl tells me I need to spend more baht to pay by card. There’s a blank look on her face, deep in the routine of having to explain something basic in a language she’d rather not speak to yet another farang. I ask her what she wants out of the whole store, and watching the confusion settle on her face, like she’s waking up from something. Then, seeing the makings of an unsure smile come across her face as if I don’t mean it or as if she couldn’t accept. And then her eyes light up as the other staff laughing along with us as she picks up two drinks and says, “one for you, one for me.”
These are the kinds of things I’m going to remember for a long time.
The kinds of things that makes me feel human.
The kinds of things that makes me feel home.
