I’ve arrived in Bankok in one piece, but my plans (and I use the word ‘plan’ very lightly here) are kind of falling to pieces. Nothing overly drastic, but give it 10 minutes and I’m sure that’ll change – like the weather here – and I’ll screw something up! I’ve already exceeded my expectations on that front.

Clearly I’m not going to be writing expert guides and tips on what to do here like every other travel blog on the net, and since I’m my only audience I might as well write for me and give a few tips:

1: Preare for getting abroad

As in don’t just book a load of things with your eyes closed and then jump on a plane within a few weeks. I’d suggest getting everything done at least 2 months before, because that way you can spread the nervous feeling out over quite a long time and you’ll soon realise how crap England is instead of not wanting to leave and latching on as if it’s you mother’s leg and she’s forcing you to to school for the first time in your life and abandoning you to this classroom full of weird strangers.

2: Just because you’re leaving that day doesn’t mean you’ll arrive that day in another country

So far everything’s been kind of cheap here in Thailand, so hopefully I’ll be able to pick up some common sense for nothing, too. My flight left at 9:30pm on the 6th of January and stupidly I booked an AirBnB for the 6th of January. So after getting here and finding out that I missed that boat, I booked another AirBnB for the 8th only to realise I booked a hostel for the 8th till he 11th.

I’m doing SO well.

3: If someone is doing something nice, they’re probably not doing it to be nice

That’s a very half empty glass I’ve got there, but only temporary! The taxi driver I got from the airport to my AirBnB took down the number of my host and called him to find out where I was staying. “Wow, what a great guy!” I thought. And then he asked for 20 Baht. Of course he did. I should have known something like that would happen after having been to India where people will charge you just to share the same air as them.

“Okay, I’m going to let you rip me off this once because I’m scared,” I told the driver and reluctantly gave up a few notes and got out of the car, took my bags and looked across the road as some pretty girl was calling me over by a massage shop. NOPE.

4: Don’t buy a down jacket

God, do I regret having a down jacket. I bought it for travel and ‘just in case’ it gets cold, because being in England, layers are a thing I will never get out of my mind. The down jacket I have kept me warm for the last few moments I was in London, on the plane and takes up no room, but it’s taking up too much room anyway because it’s NEVER going to leave my backpack at this rate. I was not prepared for how hot and humid this country would be and can’t quite comprehend that when the sun goes down, it’s STILL hot. I’m sleeping naked and that doesn’t make sense. My life has been a lie.

I was going to say it was pointless buying ANY kind of jacket including the rain shell I got, but it suddenly started hammering down with rain just a few minutes ago. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

5: Don’t just book the cheapest thing that comes up on the first search

So when looking for places to stay, I punched in ‘Bangkok’ into Booking.com and AirBnB and thought “oh, this looks nice and it’s really cheap! Done!”

Turns out ‘Bangkok’ is bigger than four roads and the reason certain places are so cheap is because they are nowhere. Right now I am nowhere. The guy on the plane laughed when I showed him where I’m staying, saying it’s right out of the way of any action and sure enough after having a look around last night, it’s dead. The most entertaining thing around here is the 7/11 and I’ll have to get a car everywhere else.

They say you can’t be truly successful until you’ve failed, and at this rate I’m going to make Bill Gates look some kind of chimney sweep.

6: Get ready to be scared of everything

The heat here threw me off guard and then as I was playing Tetris with all my stuff in my bag a mosquito flew by and I got into a fit of slapping at the air like it cheated on me after 20 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. Later, I was walking back to my room and saw a gecko crawling on a building, stopped and went “what the fuck” like it was Godzilla or something. Then as I was brushing my teeth later, I saw a mini cockroach by the sink and put myself into that special place inside my mind behind the brick wall where I’m pretending that I’m not a little bit worried. And this is just in a few hours of being inside and before the rain fell. I’m about 98% sure that as soon as I open the front door to get to the next place in a bit I’m going to walk into some giant spider’s web and he’s gong to laugh at me and call me names in Thai that I don’t understand. Speaking of which (or not)…

7: Learn SOME Thai

This comes into not just jumping on a plane without thinking of much beforehand other than what stupidly warm clothing you’ll wear in a ridiculously hot country you’ll buy first. I dunno what I was expecting before I came here, maybe that it would be like India where most people understand English, whilst here I just look like a moron who came to another country without even knowing how to say “hello” or “thanks”. Basics. I went out and found a place to eat because I was hungry and to drink a beer because I’m incredibly insecure about everything, and the waitress just stared at me like I slapped her mother and was trying to justify it as a good thing when I asked for a table for one. I figured at that point I should learn some basic Thai, using an app I had.

Then as the dude brought me my food and a beer, I looked up how to say “thank you” and the app just BLARED out the phrase in a robotic female voice for me. Then he gave me the look of the slapped mother, too. My first dining experience in Thailand and I came across doing my best impression of an Asian female version of Stephen Hawkings. Great.

8: Don’t bring a white t shirt

White t shirts are pretty much all I wear and feel comfortable in and Thailand is making that a chore. Last night I got soup on the one I brought along and had to go back and wash it out in the sink and now I’m waiting here for it to dry so I can go and get more soup on it or my own blood because I’m probably going to walk into a giant spider’s web. I figured I’d bring that one along because it resists wrinkles, but I think that’s the least of my worries when I’m standing there wih soup stains all over me and getting my phone to talk to the locals for me.

I do have a stain repellant one I got from Kickstarter, which is great! No soup stains may hinder me with that on. Sady the trade-off there is that it’s kind of transparent and my nipples show through so it looks like I’m hiding pepperoni under my shirt.

No winners here.

Right, I’ll have to update on everything else later because I apparently have a whole world to see now and plenty more mistakes to make.

Help me.